This is my heart.

#179

2012-01-31T00:26:00.000+13:00

I'm done pretending. Watch me with your real eyes people.

#178

2012-01-26T01:43:00.000+13:00

ok.
ok
ok
ok.
everything is ok.
everything is under control.
ok

#177

2012-01-23T23:55:00.001+13:00

342 days, since the last day I saw you at the airport :'(

#176

2012-01-22T04:23:00.000+13:00

My eyes have seen too much.
Hopefully one day, I will get tired of playing this lying game and die... and you know nothing.

#175

2012-01-21T18:38:00.002+13:00

"Lick my ass nicely, lick it nice and clean, nice and clean, lick my ass. That's a greasy desire, nicely buttered, like the licking of roast meat, my daily activity. Three will lick more than two, come on, just try it, and lick, lick, lick. Everybody lick own ass themself." - Mozart

#174

2012-01-20T23:51:00.002+13:00

And I might be dead due to depression if I keep on living life on people expectation.- Ohh Nona

#173

2012-01-20T02:30:00.002+13:00

tenangkan jiwaku..

#172

2012-01-13T02:25:00.002+13:00

Kau tulis kau buang kau tulis kau buang kau tulis kau buang.
kalaulah semudah tu.

#171

2012-01-04T01:24:00.000+13:00

dear heart,

Today is the day. He starts from the beginning again, I hope and hope and hope and pray to God this time he is as strong as I am. Please accompany him till the end.

#170

2012-01-01T21:39:00.002+13:00

Stand strong, fear nothing.
366days.

#169

2011-12-27T23:27:00.000+13:00

"I need myself back."

sometimes when i stare at it for a long time.. it seems fake.
fuck.
who are you?
who am i in your head?

#168

2011-12-22T23:16:00.000+13:00

melihat dari jarak jauh

tanah tumpahnya darah ku

dengan perasaan kecewa setiap hari..

hampa.

terngiang ditelinga, bangsabangsa asing berdekah menonton sandiwara.

#167

2011-12-21T00:14:00.000+13:00

Duhai angin,
merpati penyampai pesanku jatuh sakit..
bisikkan pada mahluk yg aku syg aku rindu sama dia.
terbangkan separuh jiwaku untuknya agar dia kuat.
penuhkan hatinya yang kosong.

"hanya wajah kaku kau di dinding jadi pengukir senyuman aku sayang.."

#166

2011-12-20T23:44:00.000+13:00

I know it's killing us. Wait darling.. just another year to go..

)':

#165

2011-12-20T16:03:00.000+13:00

Day 35
She could be anyone on earth.

#164

2011-12-20T15:50:00.002+13:00

I would trust and love you more mommy if you can keep secret like I do.
but you never..

#163

2011-12-19T23:27:00.000+13:00

Whatever you put in my mouth this time darling, it's hard to swallow.

#162

2011-12-17T00:53:00.000+13:00

"mari menari sayang? lupakan semua yg pahit mahit. lupakan yg duka lara."

sepayahpayah hidup sendiri, payah lagi hidup orang lain.
kadang bila tgk org lain rasa kesian sempati berlegar dalam kepala.
"Kenapa mcm itu?"
Bila cermin diri sendiri rasa pahit mana pun masih rasa syukur.
Kita hanya dihadapkan dgn dugaan yg mampu kita tempuh.
Dia Maha Mengetahui

#161

2011-12-05T22:49:00.002+13:00

hey stranger, tolonglah berubah.

please.

#160

2011-12-05T00:31:00.000+13:00

misi hidup ini hanya untuk penuhi kehendak org lain sahaja ke?
oh ya. akhirnya 21.

#159

2011-11-22T19:05:00.002+13:00

i don't want to talk about other people anymore. guilty. shut my mouth.
indeed.. i'm lost.

#158

2011-11-22T16:44:00.002+13:00

DECEMBER=BEAUTY

This straight-up means ur the most good-looking Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Loves freedom. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves travelling. Dislike being at home. Restless. having many children. Hardworking. High spirited.

yep!

#157

2011-11-17T19:36:00.000+13:00

i hope he can prove them wrong.

i hope so.

#156

2011-11-16T08:42:00.000+13:00

mummy, i did something that might make you sad. please don't hate me. i love you.

#155

2011-11-15T23:43:00.000+13:00

i hv done it today. cp.

#154

2011-11-14T01:16:00.000+13:00

when the easiest thing is to fake it.

(:

#153

2011-11-09T00:48:00.000+13:00

Byk lg bnde dlm dunia ni yg lebih myedih kn da mnyakit kn, jgn cpt sgt nk gelabah dgn bende2 kcik yg xbpe pnting, hidup ni bkn utk ske2 jer, kalo bnde yg kte ske da xde kte sedih, ngis, melalak, wt ap pn kalo bnde da jdik kte xleh wt pe... -cincut

thanks (:

#152

2011-11-07T23:11:00.000+13:00

another stone just fell right on my face.
bleeding and crying again.
it's getting harder.

thanks 'friend' for always and always be there through thick and thin.
You know all my stories since 2005. Keep it with you.
R.I.P

#151

2011-11-04T14:37:00.000+13:00

will i get the chance to throw away all these feelings?

#150

2011-10-29T10:07:00.000+13:00

"Everyone is shouting they have been living in a sad terrible life before."

I do.
For 10 years.
(:

#149

2011-10-26T04:02:00.000+13:00

yang berombak pun akhirnya akan surut juga.
terlalu penat melihat dan menerima.
akhirnya rebah menadah.
biarkan apa jua melintas tanpa perasaan.
melihat seperti ada, tapi tak bernyawa.

shh. pergilah.

#148

2011-10-16T09:08:00.000+13:00

Bila difikirkan satu persatu
ahh memang boleh gila.
hadap perangai manusia. layankan perangai manusia yg bermacam bentuk.

susah kalau kita nak ubah cara mereka yg semula jadinya memang begitu.
sigh. hanya mampu tersenyum.

#147

2011-10-11T10:06:00.000+13:00

hoping the clock moves faster everyday for the sake of seeing you on the screen.
waking up early every morning just to see you there on the other side.
sigh.
when will the last one fall?

yes, we need magic.
#poff.

#146

2011-10-04T02:53:00.002+13:00

hello Past,
stop peeking at me. I saw what you did. It won't work this time.

#145

2011-10-01T22:57:00.000+13:00

1 october 2011

it's spring here.
and i hope I'm as happy as those flowers.
and i hope I'm as strong as the wind.
and i hope I'm as brilliant as the sunshine.
and those are my wishes, for you dear October.
it's been awhile since the last story.
hey, happiness always stops at the end of month, and so do mine.

#144

2011-10-01T01:37:00.002+13:00

I said I trust you.

#143

2011-09-09T02:10:00.000+12:00

I love staring the streets at night, while everyone is already deeply floating in their own dreams.
the silence, the gloomy shops.
there is something..
there is some kind of calmness that I can't explain through words alone.
the streets light, the beam.
they look like.. as if they are whispering to the streets.
and the feelings,
you are the only one who is alive and living in that place at that moment.

priceless.

#142

2011-09-09T00:47:00.002+12:00

"No matter how much suffering you went through, you never wanted to let go of those memories."
— Haruki Murakami

#true

#141

2011-09-06T02:31:00.000+12:00

"Money can't buy you happiness, darling."

but,
you need them to survive for tomorrow.

#140

2011-09-04T03:49:00.000+12:00

i'm chasing strangers.
like chasing shadows. unknown shadows.

i don't know why.
feels like capturing flying insects and putting them in a jar.

#139

2011-08-30T02:06:00.000+12:00

Kali pertama beraya jauh daripada atok di kampung. Kurang meriahnya sini berbanding di tanah air sana.
Tiada bunyi mercun bunga api meriam semua.
Cuma berteman lagu raya yang kadang rancak & sayu.

adil lah. dapat yg ini, tapi terlepas yg itu.
Alhamdulillah.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri (:

from Auckland with love.

#138

2011-08-23T02:03:00.001+12:00

empat tahun, vier Jahre.

lenakan aku dengan siulan selimut mimpi-mimpi mu
jagakan aku dengan bisikan angin memori mu yang dingin...

"Ini untuk kamu.. sabar ya hati.."

#137

2011-08-19T00:14:00.000+12:00

die Ohren

die Wand

yeah, it's pretty ugly

#136

2011-08-16T21:54:00.000+12:00

I remember vividly every inch of the house.
a big room, a small kitchen next to toilet, the balcony.

of course, the gloomy corridor and the messy elevator.

also the train that I can watch from the balcony each time it passes the flats.
every time I hear the sound of the train coming I will run to the balcony
and shout,
"Kerete api! kerete api!"

I never get bored of it.

Photo Taken from here

"Ini 15 tahun yang lalu. Sekarang dah tak ada apa.. yang tinggal cuma cebisan memori halus."
"Saya rindu flat bukit chagar dan atok atas."
Al-Fatihah.

#135

2011-08-07T19:08:00.002+12:00

there is only one song left in my memory.

"A song for you.."

#134

2011-08-07T00:22:00.000+12:00

bila duduk jauh daripada negara sendiri
kita akan pandang & nilai negara sendiri dari sudut sangat berbeza.

\\ini rasa hati.
(well, you have to feel it yourself to prove it)

#133

2011-08-06T15:11:00.000+12:00

mata kasar aku lihat ramai sungguh yang merubah laluan hati mereka.
untuk lebih dekat kepada Tuhan.
Baguslah.
mogamoga ianya bersungguh & kekal.

aku tumpang tersenyum.

#132

2011-07-29T23:24:00.000+12:00

macam rumah.
daripada luar nampak gembira, harmoni, cantik dan tiada cela.

tapi isi dalam,
tuannya saja yang tahu, kan?

#131

2011-07-24T23:58:00.000+12:00

ada satu ruang antara kita semua. kau, mereka.. kita.
ruang yang di dalamnya penuh dingin & misteri.
penuh dengan tanda soal.
ruang yang memisahkan sesama manusia.

ohh. tak ramai yang berani memijak & memecahkan ruangruang angin itu.

hanya mereka yg sedar & faham.

#130

2011-07-19T00:02:00.000+12:00

Trainspotting 1996.

#129

2011-07-18T20:50:00.000+12:00

I wanna be your most favourite thing,

the thing you love the most.

the thing you scared to lose.

the thing you can't afford to lose.

-Khottal

#128

2011-07-11T00:00:00.000+12:00

yang ini kata lain, yang itu teriak yang lain.

Terus terang aku benci.

huruhara pecahbelah.

Macam mencalarkan muka sendiri.

kau sudah lupa betapa susah merekamereka yang dulu nak kejar merdeka?

diludah ludahkan pula sekarang.

pergilah teliti & fahamkan Perlembagaan Persekutuan.

Tutup buku. Penat.

#127

2011-07-02T14:36:00.000+12:00

Memang nasib agaknya. Ditentukan hidup dengan calarbalar satu badan. Hidup dengan parut. Salah apa agaknya aku. Memang tak akan merasa ada kulit biasa mungkin.

Mengeluh?
Biasalah.

#126

2011-06-30T22:19:00.000+12:00

Bukan nak kata silalah putus asa.
Kalau ada, adalah. Tak perlu nak kejar sangat. Kali ini tuah memang kena masuk campur gaul sebati.
oh.. takdir?

#again.
Cakap memang senang.
hmphh.

#125

2011-06-26T01:02:00.000+12:00

suka meneliti perubahan.
Perubahan manusia, hidup kau & mereka, perubahan masa, perubahan dunia.

Kolot itu yang bagaimana ya?

#124

2011-06-21T02:34:00.002+12:00

aku ada tiga, ini nyawa aku yang kedua.

#123

2011-06-21T01:48:00.001+12:00

oh.. lepaskan pada takdir?

#122

2011-06-20T18:54:00.000+12:00

perempuan.
keras macam mana pun.

hati tetap lembut.

#121

2011-06-20T02:26:00.000+12:00

Dia rindu.

aku jauh.

sgt, sgt jauh.

I feel hopeless. What should I do brain?

#121

2011-06-19T01:11:00.001+12:00

Driven by the strangle of vein,
Showin' no mercy, I'll do it again.
Open up your eyes,
You keep on crying, baby, I'll bleed you dry.

King of Leon- Closer

drugs.

#120

2011-06-18T21:16:00.000+12:00

#negara orang : Auckland
musim sejuk merangkak masuk bersama nafas sejuk & rakus.

selamat mempertahankan diri manusia.

*ketagih hidu melodi rancak lompat lompat goncang kepala.

#119

2011-06-18T01:21:00.002+12:00

"..she told me once.. she hopes, she could stop being the tree who only smiles on the outside"

she is wearing the mask to look invisible. nobody to seek when the wind makes she lost her sight. she used to have one. but..

stop hitting her face like she had done nothing, being the stone on the grass.

she is trying and keep on failing.
she was nothing than a pathetic living animal.

pity her, oh pity her. It's playing like a chaos orchestra in her head.
And that is the least everyone can do.

...and the circle would not stop being a circle like yesterday darling.

#118

2011-06-16T21:06:00.000+12:00

baling diri ke dinding.

musim musim sejuk cepat betul suhu otak mendidih.

masalah oh masalah.
seronok mengadap muke masalah setiap hari.

ini balasan untuk orang degil & jahat.

#117

2011-06-12T10:50:00.000+12:00

Apabila masa pergi, terbang melayang.

yang tinggal?

#116

2011-06-09T02:01:00.000+12:00

jangan telunjukkan aku sisasisa basi semalam.
busuk hanyir.

itu semalam.
ini esok.

Mata bagi celik besar telaga.
Asah bagi tajam
Musuhmusuh kertas & abjad terkinjakinja di hadapan.

"Lawan."

#115

2011-06-07T11:35:00.000+12:00

"You know what I really like about life?"
"What?"

"Everything is bizarre."

#114

2011-06-05T12:42:00.000+12:00

hei otak.

basuh cukupcukup kali ini. jangan ada belas kasihan.

#113

2011-06-02T23:57:00.001+12:00

Dunia yang kucar kacir.

#112

2011-05-28T23:23:00.000+12:00

Tak perlu nak terpekik terlolong sana sini buktikan semuanya.
Esokesok jadi habuk juga, terbang, hilang & manusia lupa.

Sudahlah, bila tiba masanya.. mereka akan tahu.

#111

2011-05-27T23:38:00.005+12:00

it is sad remembering each and everything I had left behind.
banyak yang aku campak keluar membabi buta umpama sampah.

they used to create that curve on my face.
no.
not anymore, now I can only watch and smile for them.
awkward space.

maaf.

#110

2011-05-27T23:15:00.001+12:00

I don’t wanna argue
I don’t wanna argue
I don’t wanna argue
If you want
I want a ...

If I could

The strokes- You Are right

freakk, this is just as awesome as....

#109

2011-05-21T19:27:00.000+12:00

My first experience with love was quite depressing,
& why on Earth am I still clinging to love

I wonder boy, I wonder..

#108

2011-05-19T00:07:00.000+12:00

'That was the kind of thing all the adults around me used to say. I was totally mysterious to them. But quite simply, the reason I turned bad wasn't the fault of anyone else, or my environment. I wanted to have fun, and I did. I'd always been weak, but I pretend to be tough, and having friends to hang out with had been an awesome feeling. I had felt totally at home on the city streets at night. I was just a kid who did whatever she wanted'

-Shoko Tendo
Yakuza Moon

#107

2011-05-17T22:37:00.002+12:00

the moment you touch my heart, i know.

it's gonna bleed again.
no matter how.

#106

2011-05-14T22:22:00.000+12:00

I'm confused with all our nuisance. Get it when you are ready.

I will.

ямочка пирсинг.

#105

2011-05-10T23:32:00.000+12:00

perasaan.

perasaan dicemik sambil menutup muka halimunan.
mata yg mana mampu tembusi.
kuat mana hati rapuh yang dibalut besi.
cair juga besi ditangan api.
seolah tersenyum paksa dibalik lipatan.

perasaan.

It's fun to lose and to pretend
She's overboard self assured.

Nirvana-Smells Like Teen Spirit

#104

2011-05-08T23:22:00.001+12:00

Bila aku mengadu dengan ayah aku yang aku tak faham satu jadah pun yang aku baca dia selalu akan balas,

"Baca lagi."

demmm.

I'll just let everything flow like it is. Nothing to lose moron.
Everything is just for fun, aite?

#103

2011-05-07T23:56:00.000+12:00

hey dadah,
boleh kau buat aku berhenti ketagih kau?

Oh, lupa... kau pun manusia.

dadah,
angin penuh tenaga malam ini,
dia sembur kuat macam badang.

bumi marah.

#102

2011-05-06T23:54:00.000+12:00

Pabila alpha & lalai manusia dijadikan titik stigma.
titik punca masalah besar bagai raksaksa hijau
diperdebatkan, dipersoalkan
terduduk terkesima.

Jadi otak perlu digantikan dengan kad memori telefon bimbit 32 GB?
begitu?

ah, robot plastik.

#101

2011-05-02T22:02:00.001+12:00

Put your arms in mine
Cause I don't want to fight
We've running out of time
Would you stay till the end
Don't you ever go away
Sing it like yesterday
Shine a light on me
It such a lovely day
There's a heaven in your smile
Close your eyes I'm going straight to you
Hold it tight in heaven we feel blue
EMERGENCY & HER-POLYTHENE

it's beautiful (:

#100

2011-04-30T23:23:00.001+12:00

Why on Earth i keep on thinking about people that i have met in my previous life. Right now, at this moment.. i can remember my classmate wrote her blog URL on a piece of paper and told me to view it when i am free.. and it was 2006 back then. I know nothing about this freaky virtual 'life' during that moment. Can you see how fast the clock is ticking?

can you see it?
can you see it?
can you see it?

fatigued, & lost in time.
frozen moments make you disappear.
reality,
obdurate scars won't vanish darling.
knowing the unknown open your eyes.

flying time & wild world,
hardly catchable.
bittersweet is in everything.
misery, happiness & life.

#99

2011-04-26T00:35:00.000+12:00

sometime.. you think you know exactly who or what,
don't forget that you can be completely wrong as well. human can't be read, they are not made up of glass.
they're macchinoso..

it's lingering in my head, get out fak.

#98

2011-04-24T16:55:00.002+12:00

masih dalam proses memahami sekeliling berteman angin & matahari yg pemalu.

hey, ketuk kepala aku bila aku terpesong. celikkan aku bila aku mulai terkapai sebelum terhantuk ke dinding. terima & telan? Bukan semudah itu sayang. Ini bukan seperti pil untuk bersuka ria. Ini kegilaan hidup & kehidupan.

Ratah lagi?

#97

2011-04-23T22:48:00.002+12:00

aku jadi semakin takut bila tahu lebih banyak, juga penguat.

#96

2011-04-19T17:48:00.001+12:00

songs can make flashback of your memories. It's hurts remembering the bitter one.

don't stop, just let it go
Bittersweet-Secret

#95

2011-04-19T02:30:00.003+12:00

kau tak faham..

#94

2011-04-17T14:47:00.000+12:00

Kadang aku terfikir.. ke mana agaknya arah mereka yg mungkin kurang bernasib baik macam aku...

tapi aku percaya,

Tuhan itu Maha Adil.. peluang mereka akan tiba, kan?
Mereka akan bertemu benang halus yg akan ubah hidup mereka.

#93

2011-04-12T13:54:00.001+12:00

when i'm standing there pretending, i want people to notice not just staring at me.

#92

2011-04-08T21:14:00.000+12:00

masa henti bertatih.
cuba kau berdiri, atas pasir panas yang sejuk .
yang dibenci.

berfikir umpama tiada noktah.
tiada jawapan,
ditikam rakus
setelah lelah berlari memberikan senyuman ikhlas.
nyalakan api.
hembus.

peta yang rapuh, merah yang beku & simpulan mati yang hmpir putus.

#91

2011-04-04T22:34:00.000+12:00

tadahkan aku kasih sayang & kegembiraan.
aku haus.

#90

2011-04-04T22:23:00.001+12:00

i guess, it doesn't matter anyway..

thanks comrades, you've drown me again.

#89

2011-03-29T23:33:00.000+13:00

don't hate me when i'm telling the truth.

i'm not a sponge darling, i'm a human.

#88

2011-03-25T23:45:00.001+13:00

dadah semalam jika masih tersisa, jgn dibuang.
simpan.
mungkin berguna untuk selimutkan diri tatkala ditiup angin kesunyian kelak,
siapa tahu...

jika terlalu mengkhayalkan,
mungkin kau boleh cuba untuk campak dan ludah.
takut diri terbinasa.

#87

2011-03-25T21:53:00.000+13:00

you know exactly how weak I am,
& i know how babylike you are.

kebal sikit kali ni ye syg? :')

#86

2011-03-24T23:04:00.000+13:00

sorry if i am being too cruel these days, i could not control myself.

#85

2011-03-23T23:56:00.000+13:00

you just need to be stronger, i guess. it won't stop hitting you.

it makes me sick.

#84

2011-03-22T09:08:00.002+13:00

If you haven't got the love that you are craving for, trust me, you are not ready. You haven't got the real strength that's needed. Never blame all the thousands negative features that you have. It doesn't worth it. Nothing, nothing is simple in this hectic box and so do love. Once you get in, you can't never get out. Be prepared. Tuhan Maha Mengetahui.

#83

2011-03-21T22:13:00.000+13:00

"Kau yang buat masalah, kau selesaikan la sendiri!"

i am running away.
shame upon yourself.

#82

2011-03-20T15:52:00.002+13:00

aku teringin nak mendalami apa apa sukar difahami.

#81

2011-03-20T10:01:00.002+13:00

What will I get in return?