#169

"I need myself back."










sometimes when i stare at it for a long time.. it seems fake.
fuck.
who are you?
who am i in your head?

#168

melihat dari jarak jauh

tanah tumpahnya darah ku

dengan perasaan kecewa setiap hari..

hampa.

terngiang ditelinga, bangsabangsa asing berdekah menonton sandiwara.

#167

Duhai angin,
merpati penyampai pesanku jatuh sakit..
bisikkan pada mahluk yg aku syg aku rindu sama dia.
terbangkan separuh jiwaku untuknya agar dia kuat.
penuhkan hatinya yang kosong.














"hanya wajah kaku kau di dinding jadi pengukir senyuman aku sayang.."

#166

I know it's killing us. Wait darling.. just another year to go..

)':

#165

Day 35
She could be anyone on earth.

#164

I would trust and love you more mommy if you can keep secret like I do.
but you never..

#163

Whatever you put in my mouth this time darling, it's hard to swallow.

#162

"mari menari sayang? lupakan semua yg pahit mahit. lupakan yg duka lara."

sepayahpayah hidup sendiri, payah lagi hidup orang lain.
kadang bila tgk org lain rasa kesian sempati berlegar dalam kepala.
"Kenapa mcm itu?"
Bila cermin diri sendiri rasa pahit mana pun masih rasa syukur.
Kita hanya dihadapkan dgn dugaan yg mampu kita tempuh.
Dia Maha Mengetahui

#161

hey stranger, tolonglah berubah.

please.

#160

misi hidup ini hanya untuk penuhi kehendak org lain sahaja ke?
oh ya. akhirnya 21.

#159

i don't want to talk about other people anymore. guilty. shut my mouth.
indeed.. i'm lost.

#158

DECEMBER=BEAUTY

This straight-up means ur the most good-looking Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Loves freedom. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves travelling. Dislike being at home. Restless. having many children. Hardworking. High spirited.

yep! 

#157

i hope he can prove them wrong. 

i hope so.

#156

mummy, i did something that might make you sad. please don't hate me. i love you.

#155

i hv done it today. cp.

#154

when the easiest thing is to fake it.









(:

#153

Byk lg bnde dlm dunia ni yg lebih myedih kn da mnyakit kn, jgn cpt sgt nk gelabah dgn bende2 kcik yg xbpe pnting, hidup ni bkn utk ske2 jer, kalo bnde yg kte ske da xde kte sedih, ngis, melalak, wt ap pn kalo bnde da jdik kte xleh wt pe... -cincut




thanks (:

#152

another stone just fell right on my face.
bleeding and crying again.
it's getting harder.

thanks 'friend' for always and always be there through thick and thin.
You know all my stories since 2005. Keep it with you.
R.I.P

#151

will i get the chance to throw away all these feelings?

#150

"Everyone is shouting they have been living in a sad terrible life before."

I do.
For 10 years.
(:

#149

yang berombak pun akhirnya akan surut juga.
terlalu penat melihat dan menerima.
akhirnya rebah menadah.
biarkan apa jua melintas tanpa perasaan.
melihat seperti ada, tapi tak bernyawa.

shh. pergilah.

#148

Bila difikirkan satu persatu
ahh memang boleh gila.
hadap perangai manusia. layankan perangai manusia yg bermacam bentuk.

susah kalau kita nak ubah cara mereka yg semula jadinya memang begitu.
sigh. hanya mampu tersenyum.

#147

hoping the clock moves faster everyday for the sake of seeing you on the screen.
waking up early every morning just to see you there on the other side.
sigh.
when will the last one fall?




yes, we need magic.
#poff.

#146

hello Past,
stop peeking at me. I saw what you did. It won't work this time.

#145

1 october 2011

it's spring here.
and i hope I'm as happy as those flowers.
and i hope I'm as strong as the wind.
and i hope I'm as brilliant as the sunshine.
and those are my wishes, for you dear October.
it's been awhile since the last story.
hey, happiness always stops at the end of month, and so do mine.

#144

I said I trust you.

#143

I love staring the streets at night, while everyone is already deeply floating in their own dreams.
the silence, the gloomy shops.
there is something..
there is some kind of calmness that I can't explain through words alone.
the streets light, the beam.
they look like.. as if they are whispering to the streets.
and the feelings,
you are the only one who is alive and living in that place at that moment.

priceless.

#142

"No matter how much suffering you went through, you never wanted to let go of those memories."
— Haruki Murakami



#true

#141

"Money can't buy you happiness, darling."


















but, 
you need them to survive for tomorrow.

#140

i'm chasing strangers.
like chasing shadows. unknown shadows.





i don't know why.
feels like capturing flying insects and putting them in a jar.

#139

Kali pertama beraya jauh daripada atok di kampung. Kurang meriahnya sini berbanding di tanah air sana.
Tiada bunyi mercun bunga api meriam semua.
Cuma berteman lagu raya yang kadang rancak & sayu.

adil lah. dapat yg ini, tapi terlepas yg itu.
Alhamdulillah.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri (:

from Auckland with love.

#138

empat tahun, vier Jahre.

lenakan aku dengan siulan selimut mimpi-mimpi mu
jagakan aku dengan bisikan angin memori mu yang dingin...








"Ini untuk kamu.. sabar ya hati.."

#137

 die Ohren

die Wand

yeah, it's pretty ugly

#136

I remember vividly every inch of the house.
a big room, a small kitchen next to toilet, the balcony.

of course, the gloomy corridor and the messy elevator.

also the train that I can watch from the balcony each time it passes the flats.
every time I hear the sound of the train coming I will run to the balcony
and shout,
   "Kerete api! kerete api!"

I never get bored of it.

Photo Taken from here

"Ini 15 tahun yang lalu. Sekarang dah tak ada apa.. yang tinggal cuma cebisan memori halus."
"Saya rindu flat bukit chagar dan atok atas."
Al-Fatihah.

#135

there is only one song left in my memory.



"A song for you.."

#134

bila duduk jauh daripada negara sendiri
kita akan pandang & nilai negara sendiri dari sudut sangat berbeza.









\\ini rasa hati.
(well, you have to feel it yourself to prove it)

#133

mata kasar aku lihat ramai sungguh yang merubah laluan hati mereka.
untuk lebih dekat kepada Tuhan.
Baguslah.
mogamoga ianya bersungguh & kekal.


aku tumpang tersenyum.

#132

macam rumah.
daripada luar nampak gembira, harmoni, cantik dan tiada cela.




tapi isi dalam,
tuannya saja yang tahu, kan?

#131

ada satu ruang antara kita semua. kau, mereka.. kita.
ruang yang di dalamnya penuh dingin & misteri.
penuh dengan tanda soal.
ruang yang memisahkan sesama manusia.

ohh. tak ramai yang berani memijak & memecahkan ruangruang angin itu.



hanya mereka yg sedar & faham.

#130

Trainspotting 1996.

#129

I wanna be your most favourite thing,

the thing you love the most.

the thing you scared to lose.

the thing you can't afford to lose.

-Khottal

#128

yang ini kata lain, yang itu teriak yang lain.

Terus terang aku benci.

huruhara pecahbelah.

Macam mencalarkan muka sendiri.

kau sudah lupa betapa susah merekamereka yang dulu nak kejar merdeka?

diludah ludahkan pula sekarang.

pergilah teliti & fahamkan Perlembagaan Persekutuan.

Tutup buku. Penat.

#127

Memang nasib agaknya. Ditentukan hidup dengan calarbalar satu badan. Hidup dengan parut. Salah apa agaknya aku. Memang tak akan merasa ada kulit biasa mungkin.

Mengeluh?
Biasalah.

#126

Bukan nak kata silalah putus asa.
Kalau ada, adalah. Tak perlu nak kejar sangat. Kali ini tuah memang kena masuk campur gaul sebati.
oh.. takdir?








#again.
Cakap memang senang.
hmphh.

#125

suka meneliti perubahan.
Perubahan manusia, hidup kau & mereka, perubahan masa, perubahan dunia.











Kolot itu yang bagaimana ya?

#124

aku ada tiga, ini nyawa aku yang kedua.

#123

oh.. lepaskan pada takdir?

#122

perempuan.
keras macam mana pun.


hati tetap lembut.

#121

Dia rindu.

aku jauh.

sgt, sgt jauh. 

I feel hopeless. What should I do brain?

#121

Driven by the strangle of vein,
Showin' no mercy, I'll do it again.
Open up your eyes,
You keep on crying, baby, I'll bleed you dry.












King of Leon- Closer












drugs.

#120

#negara orang : Auckland
musim sejuk merangkak masuk bersama nafas sejuk & rakus.



selamat mempertahankan diri manusia.












*ketagih hidu melodi rancak lompat lompat goncang kepala.

#119

"..she told me once.. she hopes, she could stop being the tree who only smiles on the outside"

she is wearing the mask to look invisible. nobody to seek when the wind makes she lost her sight. she used to have one. but..











stop hitting her face like she had done nothing, being the stone on the grass.

she is trying and keep on failing.
she was nothing than a pathetic living animal.

pity her, oh pity her. It's playing like a chaos orchestra in her head.
And that is the least everyone can do.

...and the circle would not stop being a circle like yesterday darling.

#118

baling diri ke dinding.

musim musim sejuk cepat betul suhu otak mendidih.



masalah oh masalah.
seronok mengadap muke masalah setiap hari.

ini balasan untuk orang degil & jahat.

#117

Apabila masa pergi, terbang melayang.



yang tinggal?

#116

jangan telunjukkan aku sisasisa basi semalam.
busuk hanyir.



itu semalam.
ini esok.

Mata bagi celik besar telaga.
Asah bagi tajam
Musuhmusuh kertas & abjad terkinjakinja di hadapan.


"Lawan."

#115

"You know what I really like about life?"
"What?"



"Everything is bizarre."

#114

hei otak.

basuh cukupcukup kali ini. jangan ada belas kasihan.

#113

Dunia yang kucar kacir.

#112

Tak perlu nak terpekik terlolong sana sini buktikan semuanya.
Esokesok jadi habuk juga, terbang, hilang & manusia lupa.




Sudahlah, bila tiba masanya.. mereka akan tahu.

#111

it is sad remembering each and everything I had left behind.
banyak yang aku campak keluar membabi buta umpama sampah.




they used to create that curve on my face.
no.
not anymore, now I can only watch and smile for them.
awkward space.




maaf.

#110

I don’t wanna argue
I don’t wanna argue
I don’t wanna argue
If you want
I want a ...

If I could


The strokes- You Are right


freakk, this is just as awesome as....

#109

My first experience with love was quite depressing,
& why on Earth am  I still clinging to love

I wonder boy, I wonder..

#108

'That was the kind of thing all the adults around me used to say. I was totally mysterious to them. But quite simply, the reason I turned bad wasn't the fault of anyone else, or my environment. I wanted to have fun, and I did. I'd always been weak, but I pretend to be tough, and having friends to hang out with had been an awesome feeling. I had felt totally at home on the city streets at night. I was just a kid who did whatever she wanted'


-Shoko Tendo 
Yakuza Moon

#107

the moment you touch my heart, i know.




it's gonna bleed again.
no matter how.

#106

I'm confused with all our nuisance. Get it when you are ready.





I will.

ямочка пирсинг.

#105

perasaan.

perasaan dicemik sambil  menutup muka halimunan.
mata yg mana mampu tembusi.
kuat mana hati rapuh yang dibalut besi.
cair juga besi ditangan api.
seolah tersenyum paksa dibalik lipatan.


perasaan.



It's fun to lose and to pretend 
She's overboard self assured. 


Nirvana-Smells Like Teen Spirit

#104

Bila aku mengadu dengan ayah aku yang aku tak faham satu jadah pun yang aku baca dia selalu akan balas,

"Baca lagi."



demmm.








I'll just let everything flow like it is. Nothing to lose moron. 
Everything is just for fun, aite?

#103

hey dadah,
boleh kau buat aku berhenti ketagih kau?

Oh, lupa... kau pun manusia.





dadah,
angin penuh tenaga malam ini,
dia sembur kuat macam badang.


bumi marah.

#102

Pabila alpha & lalai manusia dijadikan titik stigma.
titik punca masalah besar bagai raksaksa hijau
diperdebatkan, dipersoalkan
terduduk terkesima.

Jadi otak perlu digantikan dengan kad memori telefon bimbit 32 GB?
begitu?

ah, robot plastik.

#101

Put your arms in mine
Cause I don't want to fight
We've running out of time
Would you stay till the end
Don't you ever go away
Sing it like yesterday
Shine a light on me
It such a lovely day
There's a heaven in your smile
Close your eyes I'm going straight to you 
Hold it tight in heaven we feel blue
EMERGENCY & HER-POLYTHENE






it's beautiful (:

#100

Why on Earth i keep on thinking about people that i have met in my previous life. Right now, at this moment.. i can remember my classmate wrote her blog URL on a piece of paper and told me to view it when i am free.. and it was 2006 back then. I know nothing about this freaky virtual 'life' during that moment. Can you see how fast the clock is ticking?





can you see it?
can you see it?
can you see it?



fatigued, & lost in time.
frozen moments make you disappear. 
reality,
obdurate scars won't vanish darling.
knowing the unknown open your eyes.


flying time & wild world,
hardly catchable.
bittersweet is in everything.
misery, happiness & life.

.

#99

sometime.. you think you know exactly who or what,
don't forget that you can be completely wrong as well. human can't be read, they are not made up of glass.
they're macchinoso..







it's lingering in my head, get out fak.

#98

masih dalam proses memahami sekeliling berteman angin & matahari yg pemalu.

hey, ketuk kepala aku bila aku terpesong. celikkan aku bila aku mulai terkapai sebelum terhantuk ke dinding. terima & telan? Bukan semudah itu sayang. Ini bukan seperti pil untuk bersuka ria. Ini kegilaan hidup & kehidupan.

Ratah lagi?

#97

aku jadi semakin takut bila tahu lebih banyak, juga penguat.

#96

songs can make flashback of your memories. It's hurts remembering the bitter one.









don't stop, just let it go
Bittersweet-Secret

#95

kau tak faham..

#94

Kadang aku terfikir.. ke mana agaknya arah mereka yg mungkin kurang bernasib baik macam aku...








tapi aku percaya,

Tuhan itu Maha Adil.. peluang mereka akan tiba, kan?
Mereka akan bertemu benang halus yg akan ubah hidup mereka.

#93

when i'm standing there pretending, i want people to notice not just staring at me.

#92

masa henti bertatih.
cuba kau berdiri, atas pasir panas yang sejuk .
yang dibenci.

berfikir umpama tiada noktah.
tiada jawapan,
ditikam rakus
setelah lelah berlari memberikan senyuman ikhlas.
nyalakan api.
hembus.






peta yang rapuh, merah yang beku & simpulan mati yang hmpir putus.

#91

tadahkan aku kasih sayang & kegembiraan.
aku haus.

#90

i guess, it doesn't matter anyway..








thanks comrades, you've drown me again.

#89

don't hate me when i'm telling the truth.








i'm not a sponge darling, i'm a human.

#88

dadah semalam jika masih tersisa, jgn dibuang.
simpan.
mungkin berguna untuk selimutkan diri tatkala ditiup angin kesunyian kelak,
siapa tahu...

jika terlalu mengkhayalkan,
mungkin kau boleh cuba untuk campak dan ludah.
takut diri terbinasa.

#87

you know exactly how weak I am,
& i know how babylike you are.








kebal sikit kali ni ye syg? :')

#86

sorry if i am being too cruel these days, i could not control myself.

#85

you just need to be stronger, i guess. it won't stop hitting you.









it makes me sick.

#84

If you haven't got the love that you are craving for, trust me, you are not ready. You haven't got the real strength that's needed. Never blame all the thousands negative features that you have. It doesn't worth it.  Nothing, nothing is simple in this hectic box and so do love. Once you get in, you can't never get out. Be prepared. Tuhan Maha Mengetahui.

#83

"Kau yang buat masalah, kau selesaikan la sendiri!"







i am running away.
shame upon yourself.

#82

aku teringin nak mendalami apa apa sukar difahami.

#81

What will I get in return?

#80

haus.





"dia terkesima dengan realiti yang diludah depan matanya sendiri."





aku bermimpi?

buta.
tolong.. jangan butakan mata aku lagi.
kau,
hanya kawan, jahanam!


bukan jiwa bukan raga
tak pernah secebis seperti dia.
seperti hati dia.






aku hauskan imaginasi untuk lari daripada realiti gila ini.

#79

when I'm stressed out with my own.

the best cure is looking at others and all of them.. 

#78

i might like all the sweetest things about love, but.. may i get the chance to feel it?

#77

aku tak pernah dapat bayang apa tercegat di masa depan, & selalunya, semua datang mengejut. Aku masih belum terjaga daripada tidur.

#76

Some other time,
the wind might not be as cold as today,  cause you are here right next to me.

#74

Biarkan masa jadi penawarku.

#73

I don't want to be the same person before I went here.






I want to change to a new set.

#72

is it me alone? or, it is only them who are acting ignorant? or, is it both of us being like that to each other?







Why on earth i have to actually think about it.
Boo.

#71

hello march.

#70

Today is my bf's Birthday, I can't celebrate with him. Distance separates us. If not the distance, other things will.
I wish him quite late, actually i almost forgot that today is the date.




First day of class, I'm blur & blank like a white paper.

#69

you know what i miss the most.

#68

Yang pahit itulah yg manis.

#67

Sadly, they have no night life.

#67

Di negara orang, mogamoga aku tak berubah jadi mahluk asing.

#67

Tiada apa yg nak dilagakkan dengan belajar di luar negara. Ianya cuma satu lagi perjalanan baru yang asing & samar di hadapan.









a reminder to myself.

#66

aku dah jadi org api sekarang ini.

#65

aku tak kata ianya senang, & aku tak kata ianya susah.. sayang..

#63

Let's set our heart at self-destruct.

#61

"Busuk busuk, buruk buruk  diorang, tetap darah daging kau jugak"












(:

#60

I need someone to protect me, and take me out from here. Prove to them that they are not always right. No one is right. They just knew ways to prevent things, not that they knew the right things. My head is in mess, I need a good relaxing sleep. Another chaos day awaits me.

#59

Kan aku dah kata aku tak suka benda tu. Datang la banyak mana pun, kejap saja hilang mcm angin.
fuuu...

#

sayang...

#58

manusia selalu lupa yang dia ada sepasang kaki di bawah. Bila hilang, baru tersedar betapa pentingnya walau dia duduk hina di bawah.

ya, saya sedang bercakap dengan cermin, & cermin itu saya halakan pada awk juga.







cukup untuk mlm ini.

#

boleh bagi saya gapai apa yg awk nak gapai?

#

sometime, things are better left untold is it?










I know.. the answer is yes.

#57

Penyelesaian masalah boleh buang tong. Semua tak boleh pakai. Sekarang, pejam mata, keraskan hati & cuma tambah kekebalan sahaja. Selamat berjaya.

#56

Selalunya, apa yang kau hulur itu yang akan jentik senyum aku. Pudar dah. Mata aku dah tak tersusun mcm biasa. Kau obses sama itu ya? Sudahlah. Hati aku muntahkan perkataan sunyi lagi. Dia menangis dan jerit nama kau. Aku buntu. Masa cuma tinggal beberapa butir lagi. Aku tak pandai susun perkataan untuk beritahu kau.

#

hati rasa lain.

#

kenapa aku ada hati yang sgt kaca. aku nk batu.

#55

scream to the answer for the word desire.






i lost my way while searching for it.

#54

calm and collected:

"You are calm, you don't crack under pressure, and you don't really express your emotions even if you are very emotionally overwhelmed. You have a certain control over your emotions/feelings. You are patient and are not quick to anger. You think clearly, carefully, and rationally." -Nicholas G




















*i really wish i can. i'll try.

#53

jgn lupa, diakhirnya nanti kau dan badan kau juga yang akan menadah menghadap semuanya.

#52

should i stop all this bullshit? i felt so tired darling.
he said she said, bullshit!














*mind your own language, thanks.

Kalau itu yg boleh buat aku gembira. Boleh kau tadahkan untuk aku?

#

sedang bina kekebalan diri. smile smile.

#51

Otak aku bergetar
Bila semua benda yg tak boleh diserap mencanakcanak masuk sekaligus.
Kadang bila kau dah berpenat lelah cuba tapi org tetap anggap kau mcm batu tak berperasaan, rasa kecewa akan wujud.
Kau akan jadi binggung bila kau dipersoalkan dgn perkara yg kau sendiri terkial kaji & faham.
Mulut aku dah berat nak membetulkan, menerangkan, memahamkan. Diam. Biar mereka nak hambur apa yang mahu dihambur.






"Kau ingat aku hamba kau ke?"
 "Ah, bodohlah kau"

i'm badly hurt.
i hope to have only nice & beautiful things in this two years. Keep on dreaming.. :)

#50

settled.




"Hembus nafas kuat kuat."
             "Senyum sampai bontot."










you don't need details, you know nothing anyway because you are stranger to me.

#49

aku ada lima. 18 tahun, 17 tahun, 15 tahun, 2 setengah tahun & 1 tahun lebih. Campur aku, sempurna enam.

Tepuk Tepuk. Hebatttttt! Kau? kau?

#

syg ini cutelah! Nanti kita putar waktu buat benda sama ya? 






































:)

#48

Being the person who can withstand any 'bullets' coming from others is damn not like the abc. I need this superpower. Push away and spit what others think that can destroy you, don't care too much what they reckon upon you and don't fucking care what they feel or what they want. You won't get to see the world from your own view if you failed this one. As long as it is called mouth, nothing you can do to shut it up. Keeping it inside is like keeping a ticking bomb in your head. BOOOM! at any time. Plant some guts and start doing what you want. "You just haven't got the guts to admit it" Keep repeating the same utterances without the action doesn't make u a man. 12.33am what did i just said? I said, you are the monster. 

#

berkongsi mimpi?

#47

aku cuma mahu jadi kuman di atas setiap bahu manusia, dapat tahu dan belajar semuanya. baru? aku yakin ianya sama, cuma nombor yang berubah.
#1111







"Tiada beza."